Part III: Continuously Praising God

(If you do not know what I’m doing, you can refer to this post)

On Sunday night, the teens of our church presented all our Teens involved presentations to the congregation. We did our dramas, puppet skits, a few sang songs, others played their instruments… I played the piano.

I messed up a little bit, here and there, but everyone seemed to enjoy it. Really, my mind wasn’t in it at all… With all these inner conflicts going on, I just kept thinking ‘This isn’t like before… My heart’s not in it. I didn’t pray beforehand like I usually do. I didn’t dedicate the whole piece to God like usual…’ Honestly, I just didn’t play my best, and that was my sin.

There’s a verse in the Bible that deals with this subject, and it’s a favourite of mine.

‘Wherefore it is our ambition… to be pleasing Him.’ 2 Corinthians 5:9

I really do believe that unless we give our absolute best in everything, we’re sinning because we’re not giving our entire selves and actions to God. He deserves our best. He really does. This includes washing the dishes (getting that extra speck even though we really want to finish), practicing our hardest (and not just doing it to say we’re done), or even the things we do in front of people. We have to give our best in everything we put ourselves into, or else we’re sinning against God.

So, when I messed up Sunday night, it was because my conscience finally got to me that I haven’t been the same. It wasn’t because of the air conditioner, or because I could hear people talking and laughing. It was because I came to the realization, mid-piece, that I was doing that for myself and not for God.

Part II: The Emotional Side of Christianity and Doubt

(If you do not know what I’m doing, you can refer to this post)

Lately I haven’t been feeling like a Christian. ‘How is a Christian supposed to feel?’ you ask. The typical answer is that emotional high felt while participating in praise & worships songs with other Christians present (you know what I’m talking about). But in reality, I believe that feeling is produced more by hormones and adrenaline. You feel that high every once in a while because of those around you and what you’re doing at that time. For example, at camp, I get that feeling because I’m surrounded by other believers, because the music is amazing, and because I really believe the words of the songs being sung. As soon as you strip away the atmosphere, you feel like your normal self, and you don’t have that high.

I just don’t feel like a Christian at times. I really don’t.

However I remember what my dad would tell me when I had these kind of doubts: It’s your hormones and emotions. You don’t have to feel like a Christian (that emotional high) to be one.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Christianity is a decision. You decide to admit you’re a sinner. You decide to admit you need Christ. You decide that the only way out of pain and suffering is through Christ.

A long time ago (and a couple other times, to be honest), I’ve decided to take that path. I decided to accept Christ. I decided to admit that I’m not good at all — basically, a tree is better at praising God than I do at times. I decided to live my life the way God wants me to. I decided that Christ is the only way to Heaven, the only way to peace, the only way to true happiness.

And even though I don’t feel those emotional highs, I know that I’m still a Christian because of my decision. Because even though I feel apathetic, sad, and worthless, through Christ’s sacrifice 2,000yrs ago, I’m going to Heaven. Because I decided to trust that what He did was enough.

Reader, you might not understand what I’m talking about, but that’s ok. If you want to talk further about Christ and what He did way way way back in the day, then you can just contact me.

There are a lot of things I’ve been struggling with, and I’m hoping that those who read my blog that I know in real life will keep this to themselves and not spread it around. I know how we often say ‘Sure, I’ll keep it a secret!’ and then go off and tell someone else. Seriously. It’s not too much to ask.

As I said, there are a lot of things I’ve been struggling with in my relationship with God, and I really do believe that when I write things out, my head becomes more clear and things are easier to understand. It’s not just a ginormous jumble of thoughts pinging back to each other like my friends are when doped up with skittles and Mountain Dew. I’m going to try as often as I can (seeing as how I can’t type for too long, the muscles in my hand start to fail), to blog each part of everything I’ve been struggling with.

Part I is going to deal with Hypocrisy/Judgement in Peers.

There’s a specific person I have issues with. I probably always will have issues with him. We just don’t get along. We manage to butt heads all the time, and because of past experiences, I guess I’m sorta unwilling to let go the ‘You did me wrong’ type of attitude. He’s arrogant, cocky, judgemental, demeaning, and he just doesn’t know when to shut his mouth. There have been numerous times when he’s been a jerk to me and my friends.

I write all this because most of the time I’m reminded of ‘Me thinks that thou protest too much.’ What I’ve come to understand about that is sometimes we protest and complain about others because we see those character traits in ourselves.

I have such problems with his whole character and how treats others, and I have to be honest and think ‘Do I think this way because I’m no different? Do I see those same characteristics in me, and because I’m unwilling to admit it, I blow things out of proportion?’ I have to admit this, and I really have to examine how I’ve treated and spoken to others.

I probably complain about people because I can see their character flaws in myself.