I wish I was apart of the lucky few who didn’t have to worry about finances…
or if there was going to be dinner on the table.

I wish I didn’t have to open the refrigerator and see empty shelves.

I wish I didn’t see ‘The Pursuit of Happyness’ and let it scare me to think – that might be my family in the next months.

I wish I didn’t have to dread everyday, worry everyday, starve everyday.

I wish I could be apart of the lucky few who could just go out and not feel guilty…
who could live life instead of pleading with God to keep us alive.

I hate being so poor.
I hate feeling so helpless.
I hate feeling so desperate.

I wish we didn’t live paycheck to paycheck…
Less than a hundred dollars to last two weeks.

I’m so jealous of other people.

I wish food fell from the sky like in the Old Testament.

I wish money really did grow on trees.

I hate being me.

This past weekend, I went to Badin lake with my best friend and her family. It was definitely a great stress relief! To get away from the electronics, atmosphere/environment, worries and debts, and everything else in between.

The day before, however, August 8th, we went to Worshipfest, a local concert which includes 24 hours of continuous worship. The few bands we did see were great – especially the one deejay named Brandon Willett. It was about 2hrs of just techno music combined with Christian lyrics, verses, and speeches. It was really amazing! Through those two hours I could just dance and really concentrate and pray to my God. I also came to my own conclusion that weekend: I’ve been struggling with how I’ve changed in my relationship with God and how I haven’t been as close. I’ve been praying and praying and reading my Bible… And I”ve wanted it so badly… But I couldn’t figure out why there still seemed to be a wall between God and me. Then I figured out the solution: God forgave me a long time ago. I just hadn’t forgiven myself. I realized I couldn’t keep beating myself about it, that I had to move on from the past and press on, like Paul stated. I climbed that wall Friday night, and I’m glad I did.

The Saturday afterwards, we traveled to Badin Lake. We went water tubing the first day, and that was the first time I’ve ever done it. It was quite a trip! Needless to say, I prayed… hard. But it was a great time! I really enjoyed water tubing, and I did it again the next day… That time, though, we had a double water tube, and I went with Beth. That time was a lot better considering I had someone else to talk to, and I didn’t feel as stupid when I screamed. It was such a relaxing weekend… I could focus on my quiet times and prayer, without the over looming worry of debt and school. The one and only one bad thing that happened this past weekend was that I fell down the spiral staircase which caused three bruises and scrapes on my back and arms. The steps were half a foot wide, and my feet obviously exceed that limit. I also wore socks, and those stairs never set out to befriend me like I had them. I feel down only five or so, but because they were so small, it took me a while to get to the ground. I’ll have to remember next time to not wear socks down the stairs… For the stairs seem to plot against me whilst I sleep.